Trick-or-Treating

Trick-or-treating helps us teach our children good values—like the fundamentals of begging for food. But let’s face it, with the meager portions that come from going door to door, it’s important to identify strategies that will help you get the most out of your experience.

For the Kids

1. Wear a mask with two faces or carry a second mask so you can ring each door twice.
2. Hide a pillowcase under your costume to hold your candy, but carry a plastic pumpkin or bucket. When people see your empty bucket, they take pity on you and give you more candy.
3. If you find a bowl of candy on a porch with a sign that says take one, take it at its word—enjoy your new bowl and all the candy that comes with it.
4. Skip houses that are far away from the street—creepy shut-ins live there and all they give out are last year’s sourballs. It isn’t worth the time it takes to go the extra 100 steps.
5. Take a second candy container and tell people your sister is down sick with chicken pox—if she is, take most of the candy and tell her that, with the current cost of oil, treats were pretty slim this year.
6. Dress as a U of U fan—people take pity on you and give you extra candy.
7. Dress as a BYU fan—that just takes guts.
8. Take the asthma inhalers away from the Star Trek geeks, then run away with their candy—they’ll never catch you.
9. Start knocking doors at 9:30, asking for all the candy that’s left over. By then, people are so sick of trick-or-treaters that they’ll just give it to you.
10. Trick-or-treat year round—Thanksgiving is great for yams.
    

For the Adults

1. When you put candy into plastic pumpkins and buckets, swap your nasty candy with the good stuff the kids got from the neighbors. By the end of the evening, you’ll have more candy than when you started.
2. Put out an empty bowl with a sign that says “Take One.” If anyone complains, tell them they should have come earlier—it was full of candy when you started.
3. Drop a piece of candy into a bucket, then steal a piece to give to the next kid. Repeat until you have swapped candy with all the kids, putting the last piece in your own bowl.
4. Hide in the leaves and scare the crap out of any kids that cut across the grass.
5. Turn on your sprinklers.
6. Give out chicken bullion cubes—mmm.
7. Dress in costume, then sit on your porch with a bowl of candy in your lap and a sign that reads “Take One.” When the kids approach, don’t move—wait until one of them takes too much candy, then jump up shouting “I said take only one!” and chase them across the yard.
8. When you open the door, hold up a single candy bar. Throw it out on the lawn and let them fight for it.
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, then start screaming your head off and slam the door. Repeat until they go away.
10. Instead of candy, give out cans of tuna, flour, or handfuls of wheat—kids need to learn the value of food storage.